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Tuesday 22 October 2013

A Short Hiatus.

       Yes, it may well come as a shock, but I am still alive, and am functioning on some levels. As you can see, I've been really great at updating this lately, but for some reason, I feel like I've been so busy lately. I think so far this year, (keep in mind that this is the fifth week of term) I've done more work than I did in my whole first year. 
         So, what's new? Well, I've been baking a lot more, and I've been more varied in what I make. I find it quite relaxing so it's nice to do after doing research and coursework, etc. I've also come quite a long way with the plan for my dissertation screenplay, so hopefully it won't be long before I actually start writing it. It's got a long way to go yet....I have so many ideas for stories/films/TV shows running around in my head right now so I'm pretty optimistic for the next few months. Can you believe I only have about five months left of uni? Me neither. In addition to this, I'm going to be applying to do my Master's degree in January, so I'm very excited, and also very, very terrified about that. 
         I'm hoping to resume normal scheduling on here soon, even though I probably won't be able to review any newly released films for a while. I'm thinking Tuesdays can be more of a mish-mash of things for the time being, (maybe I can do some recipes or something) and I'll hopefully slip back into writing creative stuff for you on Fridays. If there's anything you want to see on here on Tuesdays, feel free to leave me a comment; I do read them, and get very excited when I get one that isn't offering me products to build my muscles. 
        Anyway, I'm about to wrap this up, I just suddenly missed blogging and had an opportunity to post at last! 

         I'll (hopefully) be back on Friday with more of Seasons! Lots of love, and thanks for sticking around.
                                                    L xoxoxox

Friday 20 September 2013

Seasons - Part 6

        Happy Friday! has your week been as busy as mine? If not, I hope it's been great anyway! As promised, here's part 6 of Seasons.
http://www.123rf.com/photo_9523817_picnic-blanket.html

        We mulled it over for hours. I went back to my house and took a picnic blanket from the back of my dad's wardrobes, and a length of rope from the garden shed. As I was on my way back out of the house, my sister came out of the dining room and cornered me, demanding to know what the rope was for.
      'We're going to try and make a swing.' She had her arms folded and her eyebrows raised and was staring at me incredulously. I gulped.
        'Whatever.' She rolled her eyes 'You can explain to dad where his rope went when he looks for it next time then.' She stomped back through the dining room and I heard her heavy footfalls moving back up the stairs to her bedroom.
         I ran back into the meadow where James was pacing, looking over his shoulder anxiously all the while. When he saw me, the thunder returned to his face.
         'What the fuck took you so long?' I was taken aback.
         'There's no need to swear. Say sorry.'
         'No, why were you gone so long? I could have been found by someone!'
         'By who? No-one ever comes through here.'
       'Why. Did. You. Take. So. Long?' His jaw was clenched and he stated each word deliberately and was clenching and unclenching his fists.
         'I saw my sister, she wanted to know what the rope was for.'
         'And did you tell her?'
        'Of course not, why the hell would I tell her?' My voice was rising too now, I couldn't believe he'd think I'd be stupid enough to tell my sister that we'd just killed someone.
        'Good. Because if you tell anyone, I'll be fetching a second blanket and some more rope, and you'll be tied up in the tree next to her. But wouldn't that be sweet? You and her together forever. How bloody poetic.' He said this with such malice in his voice and his eyes that I felt tears begin to burn behind my eyes. He'd stepped closer to me as he was saying this and I could feel his breaths coming in short bursts from his nostrils. 
          Eventually he stepped away from me and grabbed the blanket from my arms. He skulked over to her, and laid the blanket by her side. Then he lifted her and placed her onto the blanket. I watched as he put a hand tenderly to her face before taking the corner of the blanket and moving it to cover the length of her body.

                           Have a great weekend! See you Tuesday. Laura
                                                                                           xoxoxox

Tuesday 17 September 2013

Busy, Busy, Busy!

       Hey, it's that time of the month week again, and I've been so, so busy for the last couple of week, hence there being no posts. I haven't seen anything or read anything new since the Conjuring. So I thought maybe I'd talk to you for a bit. If that doesn't suit you, come back on Friday when I'll be posting Part 6 of Seasons.
       Anyway. Last week, I thought I'd be industrious seeing as it was my last week at home before I came back to uni. I've been meaning to sort through my wardrobes for absolutely ages, because from a very early age, I have been keeping hold of everything. Because it might come in handy. Or because I cannot throw anything away. 
The half-way point.
        Last Monday, that habit changed. I started by clearing out underneath my desks. I thought that would be a nice quick task. It's only the underneath of two desks. (One for work/my laptop etc., the other has the TV on it.) It took A DAY. One whole day was spent on taking things out from under the desk, the smaller one was the worst, and putting them in rubbish bags. 'How, Laura?' you may ask. 'Exactly, friend' I reply. Tuesday I took some crates down that have been in my wardrobe pretty much since they were built, which I guess was about seven or eight years ago. I found things from all the way through secondary school, like old maths books, notebooks I used to write terrible songs and poems in, and a food technology book from year 7. Needless to say they're all in the burning bag. 
         Anyway. I filled up eight rubbish bags - which don't include any paper, because all of the paper went into four separate bags to be burned - and four bags for the charity shop. How in the hell can you fit all of that crap in your life, let alone in your wardrobe? 
          At the end of the week though, I do have actual empty spaces in my room, which I've not had for literally years. And I can actually get to the wardrobes at both ends of the room, which I have also not been able to do for years. I almost feel embarrassed saying all this, because they actually make documentaries about people like me. But I kind of feel like I had to tell the full story so you'd take me seriously when I say I could not get to the laptop to post last week. I couldn't move it either, because the bed was completely taken up by crap I'd taken from the floor, so that I could get to the cupboard. 
http://people.brunel.ac.uk/~eesthhm/
          Friday's post got lost in the madness of last week as well. By then I'd cleared out most of the junk, but I had to pack to come back to uni n Saturday. I did mean to post this on Sunday so I could get back to normal this week, but the first few days being back at uni are so busy. Over the last three days, I've walked for more than 240 minutes. That's four hours of my life walking between my house, the town centre and campus. Forget all the stuff we've done between the walks!
        Anyway. I'm back now :) 

       I'll be back on Friday I promise! Have a great week! If you're a new student, I hope you're having the best freshers' week! 

        Thanks for reading and for being patient! Laura
                                                                       xoxoxoxox

                                                  

Saturday 7 September 2013

Seasons - Part 5

        Oops, nearly forgot to do this! So this week's been pretty busy I guess. It's gone really fast and so it really doesn't feel like it should be Friday yet. Anyway, here's part 5 of Seasons, if you haven't read (or looked at the pictures from) previous parts, click here.

http://sallyandsam.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/ozark-mountain-daredevils-someday.html
          James lifted himself off of me, and I tentatively got to my feet. We looked at each other silently, fear beginning to rise in my belly, its icy tendrils lacing themselves around my organs, moving outwards to clutch my legs and arms. It was so hard for me to move, but I couldn't stop myself walking towards Amber on the ground; James seemed to be having a similar experience. We moved as one, slowly and deliberately as if pulled by unseen hands.
       Eventually we were at her side. The entire meadow was silent again, as if all the birds and squirrels were holding their breath and craning their necks to see if Amber would simply roll over and start rubbing her head. James crouched beside her and took hold of her shoulder. Her eyes were still open and her face was set in a look of anguish. There was a large dent in the side of her head which was full of matted hair and congealing blood. James snapped his head away, his eyes closed. He was pale and looked as though he was about to gag. A tear escaped from beneath his eye lids and he pulled her into a sitting position before holding her to himself and sobbing silently into her hair.
        I was about to stoop down to join him when I heard brisk footsteps and gentle panting. I span around in terror, the man was walking through the meadow with his dog. James looked up at me, terrified. I put my hand gently on his shoulder. He seemed to understand and took the girl into his arms again, gently rocking her. I forced a smile and jogged over to the man.
         'Good morning!' I said brightly and bent down to stroke his dog.
       'Mornin'' he grunted back. 'They okay?' he said, gesturing towards James and Amber. I looked over my shoulder as casually as I could, given the feeling of dread that was turning my stomach to lead.
        'Them? Yeah. Lover's tiff, you know.' I could feel sweat beginning to form on the back of my neck and my forehead. The man looked away from them and cast his eyes over me.
         'Don't look so great yourself, mate.' I looked down, my jumper was torn, my shirt untucked. I realised my face must be a travesty as well, after the beating I'd taken from James.
         'Yeah, well. Got involved didn't I? Told him he should be nice to her or I'd steal her away. He took it a bit too literally and it got a bit out of hand. They're just making up. We'll all be back to normal soon, get on with the day and all that.' There was a pause in which he paused, eyeing me cynically. He looked to them and then back at me.
        'Mmmm. There's blood on her dress.' I snapped my head back around. The blood was quite obvious.
           'Yeah, she gets nosebleeds when she's stressed. Poor girl.' I was expecting him to push me aside then, march over to James and pull Amber to her feet. Then he'd see she was dead and drag the three of us to the local police station. What he did next almost came as a shock. He shrugged and grunted. He then smiled at me, tipping his hat before looking down to his dog and saying;
          'Come on then, boy, let's get home before your mother starts to worry.' He turned his face back up to face me, and gestured to James by way of a nod – 'You make sure not to fight any more, any of you. It's not worth it. You never know what you could lose.'
        'You're so right.' I mumbled. He tipped his hat to me once again and made off across the meadow on his way home. I watched him go, his dog trotting faithfully along at his side. That dog reminded me of myself, the old man reminded me of a kind version of James.
            I waited until the man had left the meadow and turned the corner onto the main road before I went back over to James.
            'Is she -' I whispered.
            'Yes.' he said without looking up. I sat down beside them. He looked up at me. 'Thank you. You know, for taking care of him.' I was taken aback that he'd thanked me. In the thirteen years that James had lived on my street, been coming to my house, been my friend; he'd never once thanked me. I nodded.
             'So, what do we do now?'


           So that's it for this week, and just shy of Friday, too! Have a great weekend and I'll see you (probably. Maybe) on Tuesday!

                                              Lots of love! Laura
                                                                   xoxoxox

Tuesday 3 September 2013

The Conjuring - Review

        I don't even know what happened last week. This was my thought process last Tuesday: 'I've not done anything this week, I don't have anything to review today. I'm going to see The Conjuring tomorrow though, I'll just post tomorrow!' That obviously didn't come to fruition though. 
                         http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1457767/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1
        So, last Wednesday I went to see The Conjuring. I'm not going to lie, I saw the trailers when I saw Evil Dead all those months ago and since then I've wanted to see it but have also cowered at the mere mention of it. I'm THE jumpiest person in the world, and I actually scare pretty easily when it comes to ghost films/TV shows. Anyway, the poster is kind of creepy but doesn't give away that much about the film, but oh, dear lord I just noticed the shadow of the person underneath the noose, *shudder*. Anyway, if you haven't seen them, there are a couple of trailers, but this is the 'official main trailer';


       I still jump at the trailer. So, The Conjuring is directed by James Wan (Director of Saw and Insidious) and came out in UK cinemas on the 2nd of August. Before that, it was shown at the Edinburg film festival in June. (Its first showing was at 'Nocturna' - Madrid International Fantastic Film Festival on the 8th of June) It hasn't been released in cinemas everywhere yet, so if you're in one of the countries where this is the case, check here for your release date. 
       As far as horror films go, this is a pretty good one. The build up is great; as the audience we know that paranormal things are occurring, but they're not big enough instances that the family immediately jump to the conclusion that their house isn't entirely theirs. In the beginning, there are tiny things like clocks stopping, bad smells and cold rooms. These occurrences build up through a child sleep-walking in strange ways, games being joined by disembodied hands and something playing the old piano in the basement. 
       I wanted to include this trailer because although it starts off being all cute, it makes my blood run a little bit cold each time. It takes 25 seconds to actually start, so you might just want to skip a little bit:

    
       This game looks really fun, but since this film, I don't want to blindfold myself or clap, so I guess it's out of the question. Anyway. Something else which I particularly thought was good about this film, was that aside from meeting the family who are experiencing the phenomena, we're introduced to the paranormal investigators - Lorraine and Ed Warren (Vera Farmiga and Patrick Wilson, respectively) so that we kind of empathise with them, and not just the Perrons. (Lili Taylor played Mrs Carolyn Perron, while Ron Livingston played her husband, Roger Perron)
       In addition to this, some of Ed and Lorraine Warren's investigations were shown being carried out, in which they show a family that their 'supernatural' occurrences are merely creaky floorboards echoing through the pipes, and they state that most paranormal investigation turn out to be similarly simple to explain logically. I felt like this was something that really set this film apart from other horror films with this type of storyline, because so often, the screenwriters/directors/producers want to get going with the haunting so soon that we end up with a whole cast full of people ready to believe they are being haunted by something terrible because they hear a few noises or a door opens slightly.
     Something else I have to mention is how much I thought of the acting. Now, I am quite a fan of Vera Farmiga anyway after watching her in The Orphan, but I have to really hand it to the child actors in this - I usually really hate kids in films but I genuinely liked all of these kids, especially the youngest, April who was super cute, but also really believable and a great character, she was played by Kyla Deaver. The other girls were Andrea, (Shanley Caswell) Nancy, (Hayley McFarland) Christine, (Joey King) and Cindy (Mackenzie Foy).

http://www.ew.com/ew/gallery/0,,20399642_20717859_21360694,00.html
         I don't necessarily have any negative things to say about this film; normally I'd comment on how seeing the 'monster' ruins the effect a little bit, but honestly, this thing is pretty much as hideous and creepy looking as the hell it crawled out of. I liked the back story of why the place is haunted, and the explanations of different types of hauntings and spirits, etc. 
        As much as I enjoyed this film and don't really have any negatives, other than I watched most of the film from behind my fingers - (which I can't entirely blame on them, but it wasn't entirely something I could control either) I don't think I can actually give this the full five pandas. It's not something I can put my finger on and say 'this is why I'm taking away a panda', I just don't have the same kind of excitement about this as I have for other films, so purely based on that, I want to give this four pandas. 
        This film may not be scary to everyone, but it's certainly not for the faint-hearted!



              I'll be back on Friday with part (your guess is as good as mine) of Seasons. (Is it five? It feels like five.) Until then, have a really great week! 

                                                          Lots of love! Laura
                                                                               xoxoxox  


Friday 23 August 2013

Seasons - Part 4

        Hey! How has your week been? I felt so smug last night that I'd written this in advance, but when I looked, I realised I'd only written the second half of it. It's all here now though, you'll be pleased to know. I guess it's slightly longer this week, but I didn't want to stop writing it before I did. It's a bit more grisly this week, but what do you really expect from me? 

http://www.officialpsds.com/Rose-Petals-PSD41217.html

         All of my senses seemed to both dull and heighten at the same time, the air smelled sweeter, the grass felt softer and the birds sang more joyously and with more volume. Yet I couldn't see, or feel anything else. The world was beautiful for a couple of minutes. Then came the sound of rushing footsteps, and a shout which tore at my happiness, causing the freezing heat of fear and guilt to rush through my whole body: 'You son of a bitch!' I pulled away from Amber and snapped my head towards James. The look on his face terrified me to the core. I was frozen, everything sounded dull, like I had cotton in my ears. James' movements seemed to slow, like he was trying to run through water. I watched as he pulled his hand back, drawing it into a fist as it went. I began to scramble to my feet, but time had returned to normal, and he was on top of me within seconds, flipping me onto my back and punching me, mercilessly. He was screaming insults at me blindly. His face held a furious determination, his mouth contorted into the most hideous grimace. I looked into his eyes and saw nothing, rage had overcome him. I knew he couldn't see me, he couldn't hear anything. Amber tried to pull him away from me, but he pushed her violently away. She landed heavily, but didn't pause for breath before jumping up once again to rush to my aid.
        James turned his head as she screamed desperately for him to stop. As he turned his face back towards me, he saw the branch that lay to our left. The sight of it seemed to stop him in his tracks. I wondered if he'd suddenly remembered that our friendship was more important, that he was hurting his best friend. He leaned slightly as if he were about to stand up. I relaxed slightly, but he didn't stand. He picked up the branch and held it for a moment over my face.
        I saw the branch rising, as if the seconds had slowed - the hands of old father time turning down the dials as if to savour these very moments. I saw the look of hatred on his face, the smallest hint of a malevolent smile darkening his brow; tainting his lips. The branch rising, rising; carelessly, gracefully. I tried to squeeze my eyes shut, bracing for impact, but I couldn't stop watching, these were my final moments. Then it struck - the true power of nature revealed. 
       I think I heard the impact before I took into account it's effects, blood speckling our clothes like the rose petals strewn about the grass. But the branch hadn't collided with its intended victim. For a while, we sat there - the silence painful. It was like the universe had stopped to stare. No birds sang, no trees swung listlessly in the breeze, James and I didn't dare breathe. We just stayed as we were; me laying on my back, hands slightly protecting my face - him straddling me at the waist, though now he was holding the branch at his side. It looked strange, the branch, as if it had done nothing wrong at all. And of course, it hadn't. Not really. But the far end of it told a different story, caked in Ambers blood, with a few strands of hair knotted around it. 
       James let it fall from his fingers, never once looking away from Amber lying on the ground a few feet away. She looked broken, her arms and legs jutting out unnaturally, her hair lying all around her as if she were submerged in water. But the thing that really got me, was how still she was. I think we were both waiting for her to roll over, called James a clumsy prick and start laughing at us. But she just laid there, for the longest time, still, so still.

          So, I said it was grisly, but how did you find it this week? Leave me a comment below with what you thought of it, you can even make it anonymous, but I promise I won't bite! I have no idea whatsoever to review on Tuesday, so I can't tell you what that will be about yet. If you have any ideas or suggestions for what I can review, leave a comments, or tweet me; @EmphaticPanda. Have a great weekend!
       
                                             Thanks for reading! Laura
                                                                            xoxoxoxox

Tuesday 20 August 2013

The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse - Review

        You guys, I can't stop watching Paranormal Witness. Anyway; I almost thought I'd never get around to this, but in the last week, I haven't done anything new. The title is the real title of a real book, it's by Robert Rankin and it's very, very bizarre. 

This is a photo of my actual copy - there are many covers for this
 but I really like to share the cover of the edition which I read.

         So I got this book - among many others - from some family for my 21st birthday. It was one of the most personal and heartfelt gifts I could have imagined, and I was - and am - so grateful. I finally got around to reading this when I was on holiday, and I have to say, it's a great option for holiday reading - the conversational style and familiar characters make for a cleverly written book, which is gripping and funny without being too mentally taxing.
          Here's the blurb:

              'Once upon a time Jack set out to seek his fortune in the big city. But the big city is Toy City, formerly known as Toy Town, and it has grown considerably since the good old days and isn't all that jolly any more. And there is a serial killer loose on the streets. The Old Rich, nursery-rhyme characters, are being slaughtered, one by one, and the Toy City police are getting nowhere in their investigations. Meanwhile, Private Eye Bill Winkie has gone missing, leaving behind his sidekick Eddie Bear to take care of things. Eddie may be a battered teddy with an identity crisis, but someone's got to stop the killer. When he teams up with Jack, the two are ready for the challenge. Not to mentino the heavy drinking, bad behaviour, car chases, gratuitous sex and violence, toy fetishism and all around grossness along the way. It's going to be an epic adventure!'

           Which I think just about sums up the book. The cast is made up of nursery rhyme characters, such as Humpty-Dumpty, Little Boy Blue and Little Miss Muffett. Despite this - I would categorically sat that this is not a book for kids. There is a lot of drinking, quite a few sexual references and some pretty grizzly murder techniques. For us adults though, it's a chance to revisit our childhood stories, and perhaps develop a deeper understanding of them. Or just laugh, because this is one crazy book.
           I've already mentioned the conversational style that the author has with us, the readers, but the dialogue is simple and the characters are likeable, things which make the book a simplistic read, yet maintains that the author is incredibly skilled in his art. The storyline does at times feel convoluted and complex - always switching direction just when you think you know what's going on. However, Rankin created the genre 'far-fetched fiction' sp that his stories may have their own section in libraries and bookshops, and this book absolutely fits the characteristics which the genre suggests. 
            As far as metaphor is concerned - and I must deal with this, being an English student - the entire book is arguably a satirical view of the politics of the world, with people in the higher positions becoming too power hungry or headstrong, while the lower classes try to regain control or overthrow the higher powers. In addition to this, there's the whole 'it has grown considerably since the good old days and isn't all that jolly any more' which is both an extension to the whole class divide taking away from the happy simplicity of societies past, but also, that perhaps new technology is making our lives less vibrant in many ways. I could go on and on here no I've started, but let's not.
             There isn't a great deal left for me to say about this book, apart from to say that I really did enjoy reading it. As I've said, it's familiar, it's simple, it's clever, but above all else, it's amusing and it's funny. There are running jokes and charming characters. I will definitely read this book again, and lend it to any friends who want to read it. I'll also look out for more of Robert Rankin's works when I visit the book store again. 


           Thanks for reading, I'll be back on Friday with part four of Seasons. See you then! Have a great week! 


                                                         Laura
                                                         xoxoxoxox

Sunday 18 August 2013

Seasons - Part 3

           Surprise! It's not Friday, what's happening!? So yesterday I mentioned that I felt bad for not posting for two consecutive Fridays and also that I had a rough idea of where this story is going, except of course for the ending. I have a couple of ideas but I was thinking I might do a little poll or something so you guys get to pick the ending. (If I can figure out how to do it.) Something I forgot to mention yesterday was that I added a couple of things to the blog, such as a search bar, if you wanted find a particular post or whatever, but more importantly; I added a translate tool. It's a drop-down menu with so many languages on it, so the entire blog post can be translated into whatever language you choose. The translation is likely to be very loose, because my phrasing is so weird sometimes, but maybe it'll hopefully convey the general meaning behind it! 
             Anyway:

The website/blog I got this image from has a really lovely poem with it, if you get a chance, have a look!  It was an unexpected but very pleasant discovery for me. http://hillbillyzen.com/tao-happens/lazy-poets-lament/
         
       I knew it was a betrayal of James' trust, but one morning I got up early and went down to the meadow. I'd slipped a note in Amber's pocket the day before to tell her to meet me there. Lately, James had been getting more attention and I wanted her to myself for a while. It's not necessarily that she liked James more than she liked me, but he had more confidence, more bravado, more charm. I things that drew me to him and kept me there were beginning to make me hate him. Amber was already there when I arrived, breathless from running and from anticipation. Each breath emerged as wisps in the crisp spring air, picking out the swirling crystals of dew which were rising from the grass and falling from the leaves of the trees. 
        She was sitting with her back to me. I took a deep breath and began walking towards her. She was humming to herself and plucking the petals from a rose delicately. I stepped on the twig of a branch we'd broken from a tree the day before while we were swinging on it. Amber looked around as the branch crunched beneath my feet and smiled. She didn't get up, so I smiled back sheepishly and sat down beside her.
       'You came. I didn't expect you to come.'
       'Why wouldn't I come, silly?' she giggled as she said this, her eyes sparkling. The morning was misty because of the dew and I shivered, my body temperature returning to normal after running all the way to the meadow. 'You're a little late, I didn't think you'd be coming.' She looked back towards the rose, it's beauty dwindling as she picked away at it, piece by piece, the petals strewn across her skirt and the grass beneath her. 
       'I- I'm sorry, I -' She looked back at me, a playful glint in her eye and and giggled again, throwing the rose to one side and laying back onto the grass. 'You'll get damp, here, lay on my jacket.' She smiled at me, sitting up once again to let me place my coat under her. The sun was beginning to break through the trees, casting warm ribbons upon us. I looked down at her and she tugged on my arm, silently inviting me to lay beside her. I nervously obliged. 
      We lay there in silence for a while, and then unexpectedly, she rolled onto her side and kissed me. For a moment, the world disappeared. She pulled away and I laid there, shaking in disbelief for a few seconds. She rolled her eyes, laughing and pulled me up so I was resting on my elbow, and held the back of my neck as she kissed me again. 

http://keswickpinhead.deviantart.com/art/A-Misty-Morning-Meadow-165165124

           So that's that, I hope you're all having a great weekend! I'll be back on Tuesday to finally review the book I finished reading a couple of weeks ago.

                                Thanks for reading - Laura
                                                                xoxoxox

Friday 16 August 2013

Cops and Robbers

        Hey! I know I've been posting Seasons, but last night I suddenly realised that there's actually a short piece I wrote in my first year of uni which I really liked, and have never shared with you. So since I owe you more than one story, I thought I'd share this now, and then maybe later on or tomorrow, post the next part of Seasons, just because I cannot wait to post this story! 
        I think for this piece, we were told to write the same story from two people's perspectives, so I thought it might be interesting to do both sides of the story as a sort of running commentary. Bare in mind that this flicks back and forth a lot, but it's clearly signposted when it does chop and change, so there shouldn't be too much confusion!
 
A Cyanide and Happiness comic, found on http://schlap.webs.com/apps/photos/photo?photoid=74895794

        I like words that sound like the noises they’re describing; like tap, bang, swoosh, crash. I only mention this because the front window of the bank opposite me just threw itself across the pavement and into the road as two men jumped through it. They ran in opposite directions first, then one yelled something at the other, which sounded like “Not that way! You pillock” but I could be mistaken; I was eating a sandwich at the time. It was the fatter of the two who ran the wrong way, it was so cliché. I felt like I’d fallen through a TV screen into some stereotypical ‘cops and robbers’ comedy, I really expected an overweight cop to run around the corner, coffee in one hand, doughnut in the other, chasing behind the criminals with no chance of catching them. But I’m getting ahead of myself.                                                                                                                      
        ‘Sorry, boss!’ he shouted to me, I wouldn’t mind, but this was a bigger job than usual, and I’d told him a million times not to screw it up. To be honest with you, I feel sorry for him, he’s had a crappy life so far, and this is about the only thing that makes him smile. I’m not saying what we do is right, but if he feels like he’s got friends through it, then let us. He joined me, and we ran towards where the car was supposed to be. Unfortunately, however, it was not there.                                                                                                                                                   
      I can’t say I wasn’t confused by what I was seeing; I’d witnessed two men jump through a bank window, whom I presumed to be professional crooks, however they seemed to be perplexed by what I later understood to be the absence of a get-away car. Though, at the time, they seemed to be pondering the way that streets just stretch out into oblivion, where their ends seep into fog, or hills, or perhaps they never end and lead to the edge of time. I mean, how often do we actually walk to the end of a street?                                                                                                                                                A moment later, a car screeched around the corner at the other end of the street, in the direction which the fatter man had initially gone, they looked at each other, shocked; the smaller of the two looking somewhat reproachful. They reminded me of Horace and Jasper from 101 Dalmatians. I could see a man in the front seat, accompanied by two scantily clad women, one in the front, one falling about in the back after apparently omitting to don a seat belt.                                                                                                                                                                   
       I couldn’t believe the cheek of the guy: saying he’d pick us up from the other corner, then showing up late with two birds in the car. If either of them touched the bags, they’d get it. And so would he. Pink Floyd was playing through the car - an odd move for him, he always said they were ‘too weird, they’re like, trippy.’ Which is pretty rich, coming from a stoner like Chuck


       One thing which did strike me, as I was standing there, still eating my sandwich, taking the occasional sip of Fanta, was that they didn’t have any bags, which one would expect to see accompanying a pair of robbers. I finished my drink and tossed it into the bin to my left. Did you know Fanta was created in Germany during the war to drink instead of Coca Cola? Yeah - really similar substitute.


‘Oh SHIT!’ turn round, turn round, TURN AROUND!’
‘What? Why?’
‘Just turn round! We forgot the bloody bags!’
‘Oh for fu-‘
‘Shut the hell up, Chuck! Just move!’ 


       Just then, the car screeched like foxes fornicating and turned on itself so quickly I was sure it would topple. Evidently, the people on the other side of the street did too; one woman used her handbag and a shield – like that would do anything, and a man literally dived into a shop, startling staff and customers alike. I was close enough to see the expressions of everyone in the car, except the woman sitting in the back who had fallen between the seats when the car turned due to a lack of seatbelt. They all looked as if their lives were flashing before them, as it is often said to in various books, television shows or films. One of the men looked straight at me, and looked as though he wanted to punch me for ever having observed them. The kid driving couldn’t have been much older than sixteen, and looked dopey as hell.


      I looked out of the window, not actually knowing whether I was still looking into the street we’d just been on, or if I could somehow see into heaven now. Although, I have to admit, the outside of a Subway store wasn’t exactly my idea of what heaven should have been. I saw a man on the side of the street watching the car. He was in a shabby grey coat which reached down just below his knees. For how scruffy his coat and hair were, his suit and shoes were surprisingly nice; navy blue pinstripe. I don’t know why I took all of this in, but I’m guessing he could describe me in just as much detail.


        People were starting to pull out mobile phones and I could hear sirens in the distance. I knew what these men looked like, I could easily describe then and pick them out in a line-up. I made split-second decision which involved not wanting to be a witness - based of course on the fact that these guys were too stupid to not be caught - and made my way back into Subway to add some cookies to my already excessive order.

http://www.heilandheil.com/blog/dont_get_robbed_twice.aspx

              Let me just say - the formatting on this was horrendous and took far longer than it should have. Anyway, what did you think of this piece? I noticed that my writing style has changed quite a bit, which goes to show how much I've actually learnt over the last couple of years, which is good. I'll be back later on with the next part of Seasons - I've a pretty clear idea where that's going, which is unusual for me!  

Tuesday 13 August 2013

Despicable Me 2 - Review

      Well hello, haven't I been great at this lately? So I said a couple of weeks ago that I had writer's block, plus a distinct lack of motivation to actually force myself to write anything at all. That really peaked last week, so I decided to just give myself some space by not blogging last week. (The Friday before I just straight up forgot to post and was busy the whole weekend.) Anyway, I went to see Despicable Me 2 on Friday, it was very spontaneous and probably made more fun because I was with two of my best friends, who are pretty much as mentally juvenile as me.
http://www.filmofilia.com/despicable-me-2-promo-clip-150630/
       As with The World's End and Monster's University, I included a trailer for Despicable Me 2 here, but I will include another one, being as there are so many and they're all really cute.


      Despicable Me 2 was released in the UK on the 28th of June this year, and opens with a top secret Arctic research base being stolen by a giant magnet. Cut to: Gru's mansion hosting a birthday party for Agnes - probably the cutest kid in any film ever. There is fancy dress, there are minions, there is a costume change which tugs at the hearts strings. There are evil minions, there are cupcakes, there is a Cinco de Mayo party complete with a tortilla hat with guacamole in the rim. 
      The film stars Steve Carell and Russell Brand, as did the prequel, with the addition of Kristen Wiig as Lucy and Benjamin Bratt as the mysterious 'Eduardo'.
       The film is colourful, vibrant, has a very different and engaging storyline and some new characters which compliment the familiar characters perfectly. The minions are just as adorable and get up to even more shenanigans. This clip isn't included, but if you haven't seen it, you need to - and if you have, well you should just watch it again:
           
                                
        Ahem. So, I read on a few social media sites etc. that some people felt like a sequel wasn't needed, or they should have just made a film with the minions (which apparently they are considering, but I didn't actually read that anywhere credible so they might not be at all) but in relation to a sequel not being necessary - it did have some good character development, and personally, I found that it was a nice extension to the narrative in the first film. As to the film only being of the minions - who wouldn't miss the sarcastic quips from Gru, and perhaps, even more than that, just how cute Agnes is? Every character in that film contributes and a second film was a smart move. I think a third film of all of them might feel a bit contrived, so perhaps in that instance, maybe the best scenario would just be a minion film. Honestly though, I can only the minions being in shorts, rather than a feature film. (I wouldn't mind being wring at all though)
        Anyway; I don't really have any negative points about this film, in fact one of the big positive things about this film is that the villain isn't as teeth grindingly irritating as Vector. I don't know if I enjoyed it the whole pandas, but that was definitely affected by the stupid woman just in front of me who was texting on her iPhone the whole time. I'm excited for this film to come out on DVD so I can watch it again. For now, I think I want to give this four stars, but perhaps when I watch it again I'll add an editor's note or something to say that actually, without someone sending pointless, distracting texts and looking up directions, the film is worth more.

Oops, added half a panda.

           So, once again - I'm sorry for being away for three posts, I'll be back on Friday to tell stories. Thanks for sticking around (or for dropping in on the off-chance I'd pulled my finger out) and thanks, as ever, for reading.
                                               Laura - xoxoxoxox

Tuesday 30 July 2013

Vampyre Nation - Review

           Hello! Today, I was going to do two book reviews, (they often end up shorter than film reviews because I just don't do them as often/don't have as much to include in terms of characters etc.) but I saw a film yesterday that I just needed to talk about. 
             Now, this film isn't even on IMDB under the same name, it's on there as 'True Bloodthirst', which, A) should be an indication of how good it is, and B) should ring some of the same alarm bells that it did for me, that it's a bit too similar to True Blood in some ways. 
             It was also shown on SyFy channel, which may also lead you to the fair assumption that it's not going to be great, being as they've shown films called 'Sharknado' and 'Jersey Shore Shark Attack'. I did find a trailer for it on YouTube though, so you get to enjoy nearly two minutes of this: (I'm not even sorry, I sat through two hours of it)


             Even the trailer for this was difficult - I usually put it on here by just putting in the YouTube URL, but that wouldn't work, would it? No. Anyway. This trailer actually makes the film look action packed and exciting, but it wasn't. I can't even fluff around the issues - it was a bad film; for so many reasons. I can appreciate that this is a low budget film, far lower of course than all of the other films I've reviewed on here, but that's not excuse. Honestly. 
               So what was wrong with it? Well, like I said, it's very similar to the opening of True Blood, with all the news reports of Vampires existing, and how they're in conflict with 'humans' and all that jazz. Also, they seem to have lifted at least one instance of dialogue, which is something along the lines of 'You're saying that (something that isn't a vampire) exist?' 'You didn't know vampires existed until (a short time ago), how do we know what else is out there?'.  That's not a massive issue for me, it's just something I noticed having watched True Blood.
               Anyway; without going into massive amounts of detail - the special effects are terrible given that it was released in 2012 (fair enough, it's low budget) but I swear more can be done in that respect. The 'storyline' (we'll call it that for argument's sake) was contrived, and didn't really make a great deal of sense. I'm not going to even bother with not revealing spoilers, because you can guess everything that happens from the off, and I might just save you two hours of your life. The basic premise is that vampires have always existed but haven't come out, so then they do, and then 'humans' segregate them, and force them into their own quarantined area. Fine, that's all in the first ten minutes anyway. Then two vampires and a 'blood dealer' are killed by some...thing with snappy teeth and a 'scary' prosthetic/CGI face that can fly. Cut to - the office of Kovaks (Roark Critchlow), where he informed of the deaths of the afore mentioned vampires and dealer, by Derricks (Neil Jackson). Then a bunch more characters are introduced very vaguely and then they have guns out of nowhere, then they aim them at some vampires for... some reason, they they all work together to take down the 'scary', flying, vampire eating 'things' which turn out to be vampires who have been infected by a virus which has turned them into primal, zombie-like vampire being things. As you can see - very 'thrown together', 'let's give these hot chicks some guns because then it will be a great movie!' 

http://www.programme.tv/film-telefilm/vampyre-nation-42596792
          There were a few little things that happened which made me wonder who threw this together:        
           - It's set in Bucharest, Romania (obviously because that's where vampires live) but nearly everyone had an American accent, then there's the guy who worked for Kovaks (who I think was Jonathon Hargreaves, playing Innes-Dunchley, but it might not have been - I don't remember anyone's name, I've literally had to look up everything. I'm not even going to pretend I knew) who has a Manchester accent (northern England) and sticks out like a sore thumb. 
             - When the vampire/zombie things die, they disintegrate. That is something which is shown in detail. Also, one of the female vampires - who I think we were supposed to feel empathy for - goes into the sun without her ninja hood on, she turns to dust. That's all fine, because that's what vampires have always done through the ages. What bothers me here, is that seconds later, one of the vampire zombies flies out of the underground den they've just blown up with lots of fire and explosions, (yes, 'how'? that's not the bit which bothered me) it burns a bit in the sun, then leaves a perfectly preserved skeleton - complete with charred flesh. I understand that this is so that we can find out that the vampires are getting the virus which is turning them into these undead weird things, but if that's what you want to do, then don't turn other vampires into dust. It's a weird double standard that doesn't work.
Pretty - http://qiq.ru/23/11/2012/films/540923/naciya_vampirov_true_
bloodthirst_vampyre_nation_2012_dvdrip_1400mb.html
          - Derricks' vampire wife just happened to be where the boss vampire lives. Just by chance. Completely out of the blue. Boss vamp doesn't even ask her name. Just sends her out. By chance. Chance.
               Finally - and I could go on for longer, but let's not - there are too many characters. I've mentioned four, then there's Johnny Harker (Andrew Lee Potts), his sister Katya (Claudia Bassols), Harker's girlfriend Celeste (Heida Reed) who is, and I quote; 'not a prostitute, she a dancer, the hours are better' - which I think was meant to be a joke, but it really missed the mark due to all round terrible acting. Anyway, they team up with Nikolai (Ben Lambert) and some of his vampire friends who weren't named (to my knowledge) or characterised. And there's the guy who was let out of prison with Harker. (For whatever reason.) Now, I appreciate that they have a 'team', but when it comes to screenwriting, or writing stories in general, we're taught that you should have three strong main characters, four, maybe. They should be well characterised with their own voices, and storylines and whatever. Then some extraneous characters, who we like, but don't necessarily care about, nonetheless, we should be sad when they die. With this, there are so many characters, that it's not clear whether they're meant to be main characters, or supporting characters, and it all gets confusing. Also, Harker - who is definitely meant to be a main character - is so unlikeable. He's whiney and bitchy and doesn't learn from his errors and only thinks about himself and he's poorly acted which just doesn't help. 
                To be fair to Ben Lambert and Neil Jackson, their acting wasn't bad. In other words, they did a really good job of acting out what they'd been given. I liked their characters and if it weren't for them, I just don't know if I would have stuck it out. Claudia Bassols wasn't bad either, she was given a pretty vacuous character to play. As for every other person in the film. I cannot say the same. The acting was bad. Really bad. 
                 I've really got to wrap this up now, because this has gone on for far longer than I intended it to, and in all respects, it's been more of a rant than a review. I just needed to get this off my chest, and maybe save some people two hours of their life. Now, I think, moreover, I hope, that this is a 'mockbuster', but I'm just not sure. I can't tell if it's meant to be a long winded pun, or if it's intended to be serious. All in all, I have to give this one and a half pandas. That might be generous, it might be tight, I don't know how anything works any more. 


             Thanks for reading! Sorry about everything that just happened. If you have seen this (you poor soul) what did you think? If you haven't, are you going to  based on this? Or will have I really, really not sold it? 
              I'll be back on Friday with part 3 of Seasons, which will hopefully turn out marginally better than Vampyre Nation did. :)

                                                   Laura
                                                           xoxoxox

Saturday 27 July 2013

Seasons - Part 2

       Hello! For the second week in a row, I've had so much trouble getting a post started. I have very little inspiration - even less motivation. I'm sure it's the heat. Anyway, today, the first book on my reading list for 3rd year arrived today, so I guess I've started my final year at university already. If anyone's interested, it's 'The Outsider' by Albert Camus. From looking at the blurb, it should be a pretty interesting read! Plus, it's only 117 pages, so even if I hate it, I won't have to hate it for long :)
        Without much more waffling - 

http://hdw.eweb4.com/out/76291.html
          Days got shorter, autumn came and went and before long, we were throwing snowballs at each other instead of clods of dirt. The meadow was ours. 
         For all the years we'd been coming here - climbing over my back fence so we didn't have to walk the extra three minutes around the corner of our street - we'd seen around six people. One of them was a man who walked his dog through the meadow. He tips his hat to us with a smile, and says 'boys' in a stern but friendly way. He sometimes lets us pet his dog. Apart from him, there are no recurring faces. One day - a Monday - a girl came to the meadow. She was pretty; my height, brown hair, blue eyes, perfect skin. She seemed shy, hardly saying a word. She moved towards us silently, she was almost ghostly in her movements - so graceful she appeared to be floating just above the ground. We stopped hurling snow at one another, and gazed at her, mesmerised. Her face was tilted slightly to the ground, almost apologetically. I loved her instantly. So did James. 
          We both knew how the other felt, and she was fully aware of both our feelings. One day she'd giggle with James, running her fingers through his hair, some days she'd give me all of her attention. James and I tried to hide our bitterness from each other, but cracks were starting to form, and she was well aware of each and every one of them. 
http://itsecuritypro.co.uk/2013/02/20/cracks-starting-to-a
ppear-in-mandiants-china-apt-analysis-methodologies/cracked-glass/
          That's it for this week. I know I'm late, so, so late. But it's still Friday in America so at least some of you guys are reading this on the day I said you would. I can't say I'm surprised - I've been having trouble being motivated lately, hopefully next week will be better. I'm not sure what to review on Tuesday, but I just finished a book, so maybe I'll review that for you guys, because it's a good book, but doesn't have the notoriety to go alongside it. Have a great weekend! 

                                Thanks for reading! Laura 
                                                              xoxoxox