Seasons - Part 4

        Hey! How has your week been? I felt so smug last night that I'd written this in advance, but when I looked, I realised I'd only written the second half of it. It's all here now though, you'll be pleased to know. I guess it's slightly longer this week, but I didn't want to stop writing it before I did. It's a bit more grisly this week, but what do you really expect from me? 

http://www.officialpsds.com/Rose-Petals-PSD41217.html

         All of my senses seemed to both dull and heighten at the same time, the air smelled sweeter, the grass felt softer and the birds sang more joyously and with more volume. Yet I couldn't see, or feel anything else. The world was beautiful for a couple of minutes. Then came the sound of rushing footsteps, and a shout which tore at my happiness, causing the freezing heat of fear and guilt to rush through my whole body: 'You son of a bitch!' I pulled away from Amber and snapped my head towards James. The look on his face terrified me to the core. I was frozen, everything sounded dull, like I had cotton in my ears. James' movements seemed to slow, like he was trying to run through water. I watched as he pulled his hand back, drawing it into a fist as it went. I began to scramble to my feet, but time had returned to normal, and he was on top of me within seconds, flipping me onto my back and punching me, mercilessly. He was screaming insults at me blindly. His face held a furious determination, his mouth contorted into the most hideous grimace. I looked into his eyes and saw nothing, rage had overcome him. I knew he couldn't see me, he couldn't hear anything. Amber tried to pull him away from me, but he pushed her violently away. She landed heavily, but didn't pause for breath before jumping up once again to rush to my aid.

        James turned his head as she screamed desperately for him to stop. As he turned his face back towards me, he saw the branch that lay to our left. The sight of it seemed to stop him in his tracks. I wondered if he'd suddenly remembered that our friendship was more important, that he was hurting his best friend. He leaned slightly as if he were about to stand up. I relaxed slightly, but he didn't stand. He picked up the branch and held it for a moment over my face.

        I saw the branch rising, as if the seconds had slowed - the hands of old father time turning down the dials as if to savour these very moments. I saw the look of hatred on his face, the smallest hint of a malevolent smile darkening his brow; tainting his lips. The branch rising, rising; carelessly, gracefully. I tried to squeeze my eyes shut, bracing for impact, but I couldn't stop watching, these were my final moments. Then it struck - the true power of nature revealed. 

       I think I heard the impact before I took into account it's effects, blood speckling our clothes like the rose petals strewn about the grass. But the branch hadn't collided with its intended victim. For a while, we sat there - the silence painful. It was like the universe had stopped to stare. No birds sang, no trees swung listlessly in the breeze, James and I didn't dare breathe. We just stayed as we were; me laying on my back, hands slightly protecting my face - him straddling me at the waist, though now he was holding the branch at his side. It looked strange, the branch, as if it had done nothing wrong at all. And of course, it hadn't. Not really. But the far end of it told a different story, caked in Ambers blood, with a few strands of hair knotted around it. 

       James let it fall from his fingers, never once looking away from Amber lying on the ground a few feet away. She looked broken, her arms and legs jutting out unnaturally, her hair lying all around her as if she were submerged in water. But the thing that really got me, was how still she was. I think we were both waiting for her to roll over, called James a clumsy prick and start laughing at us. But she just laid there, for the longest time, still, so still.

          So, I said it was grisly, but how did you find it this week? Leave me a comment below with what you thought of it, you can even make it anonymous, but I promise I won't bite! I have no idea whatsoever to review on Tuesday, so I can't tell you what that will be about yet. If you have any ideas or suggestions for what I can review, leave a comments, or tweet me; @EmphaticPanda. Have a great weekend!

       

                                             Thanks for reading! Laura

                                                                            xoxoxoxox

The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse - Review

        You guys, I can't stop watching Paranormal Witness. Anyway; I almost thought I'd never get around to this, but in the last week, I haven't done anything new. The title is the real title of a real book, it's by Robert Rankin and it's very, very bizarre. 

This is a photo of my actual copy - there are many covers for this
 but I really like to share the cover of the edition which I read.

         So I got this book - among many others - from some family for my 21st birthday. It was one of the most personal and heartfelt gifts I could have imagined, and I was - and am - so grateful. I finally got around to reading this when I was on holiday, and I have to say, it's a great option for holiday reading - the conversational style and familiar characters make for a cleverly written book, which is gripping and funny without being too mentally taxing.

          Here's the blurb:

              'Once upon a time Jack set out to seek his fortune in the big city. But the big city is Toy City, formerly known as Toy Town, and it has grown considerably since the good old days and isn't all that jolly any more. And there is a serial killer loose on the streets. The Old Rich, nursery-rhyme characters, are being slaughtered, one by one, and the Toy City police are getting nowhere in their investigations. Meanwhile, Private Eye Bill Winkie has gone missing, leaving behind his sidekick Eddie Bear to take care of things. Eddie may be a battered teddy with an identity crisis, but someone's got to stop the killer. When he teams up with Jack, the two are ready for the challenge. Not to mentino the heavy drinking, bad behaviour, car chases, gratuitous sex and violence, toy fetishism and all around grossness along the way. It's going to be an epic adventure!'

           Which I think just about sums up the book. The cast is made up of nursery rhyme characters, such as Humpty-Dumpty, Little Boy Blue and Little Miss Muffett. Despite this - I would categorically sat that this is not a book for kids. There is a lot of drinking, quite a few sexual references and some pretty grizzly murder techniques. For us adults though, it's a chance to revisit our childhood stories, and perhaps develop a deeper understanding of them. Or just laugh, because this is one crazy book.

           I've already mentioned the conversational style that the author has with us, the readers, but the dialogue is simple and the characters are likeable, things which make the book a simplistic read, yet maintains that the author is incredibly skilled in his art. The storyline does at times feel convoluted and complex - always switching direction just when you think you know what's going on. However, Rankin created the genre 'far-fetched fiction' sp that his stories may have their own section in libraries and bookshops, and this book absolutely fits the characteristics which the genre suggests. 

            As far as metaphor is concerned - and I must deal with this, being an English student - the entire book is arguably a satirical view of the politics of the world, with people in the higher positions becoming too power hungry or headstrong, while the lower classes try to regain control or overthrow the higher powers. In addition to this, there's the whole 'it has grown considerably since the good old days and isn't all that jolly any more' which is both an extension to the whole class divide taking away from the happy simplicity of societies past, but also, that perhaps new technology is making our lives less vibrant in many ways. I could go on and on here no I've started, but let's not.

             There isn't a great deal left for me to say about this book, apart from to say that I really did enjoy reading it. As I've said, it's familiar, it's simple, it's clever, but above all else, it's amusing and it's funny. There are running jokes and charming characters. I will definitely read this book again, and lend it to any friends who want to read it. I'll also look out for more of Robert Rankin's works when I visit the book store again. 

           Thanks for reading, I'll be back on Friday with part four of Seasons. See you then! Have a great week! 

                                                         Laura

                                                         xoxoxoxox

Seasons - Part 3

           Surprise! It's not Friday, what's happening!? So yesterday I mentioned that I felt bad for not posting for two consecutive Fridays and also that I had a rough idea of where this story is going, except of course for the ending. I have a couple of ideas but I was thinking I might do a little poll or something so you guys get to pick the ending. (If I can figure out how to do it.) Something I forgot to mention yesterday was that I added a couple of things to the blog, such as a search bar, if you wanted find a particular post or whatever, but more importantly; I added a translate tool. It's a drop-down menu with so many languages on it, so the entire blog post can be translated into whatever language you choose. The translation is likely to be very loose, because my phrasing is so weird sometimes, but maybe it'll hopefully convey the general meaning behind it! 

             Anyway:

The website/blog I got this image from has a really lovely poem with it, if you get a chance, have a look!  It was an unexpected but very pleasant discovery for me. http://hillbillyzen.com/tao-happens/lazy-poets-lament/

         

       I knew it was a betrayal of James' trust, but one morning I got up early and went down to the meadow. I'd slipped a note in Amber's pocket the day before to tell her to meet me there. Lately, James had been getting more attention and I wanted her to myself for a while. It's not necessarily that she liked James more than she liked me, but he had more confidence, more bravado, more charm. I things that drew me to him and kept me there were beginning to make me hate him. Amber was already there when I arrived, breathless from running and from anticipation. Each breath emerged as wisps in the crisp spring air, picking out the swirling crystals of dew which were rising from the grass and falling from the leaves of the trees. 
        She was sitting with her back to me. I took a deep breath and began walking towards her. She was humming to herself and plucking the petals from a rose delicately. I stepped on the twig of a branch we'd broken from a tree the day before while we were swinging on it. Amber looked around as the branch crunched beneath my feet and smiled. She didn't get up, so I smiled back sheepishly and sat down beside her.
       'You came. I didn't expect you to come.'
       'Why wouldn't I come, silly?' she giggled as she said this, her eyes sparkling. The morning was misty because of the dew and I shivered, my body temperature returning to normal after running all the way to the meadow. 'You're a little late, I didn't think you'd be coming.' She looked back towards the rose, it's beauty dwindling as she picked away at it, piece by piece, the petals strewn across her skirt and the grass beneath her. 
       'I- I'm sorry, I -' She looked back at me, a playful glint in her eye and and giggled again, throwing the rose to one side and laying back onto the grass. 'You'll get damp, here, lay on my jacket.' She smiled at me, sitting up once again to let me place my coat under her. The sun was beginning to break through the trees, casting warm ribbons upon us. I looked down at her and she tugged on my arm, silently inviting me to lay beside her. I nervously obliged. 
      We lay there in silence for a while, and then unexpectedly, she rolled onto her side and kissed me. For a moment, the world disappeared. She pulled away and I laid there, shaking in disbelief for a few seconds. She rolled her eyes, laughing and pulled me up so I was resting on my elbow, and held the back of my neck as she kissed me again. 

http://keswickpinhead.deviantart.com/art/A-Misty-Morning-Meadow-165165124

           So that's that, I hope you're all having a great weekend! I'll be back on Tuesday to finally review the book I finished reading a couple of weeks ago.

                                Thanks for reading - Laura
                                                                xoxoxox

Cops and Robbers

        Hey! I know I've been posting Seasons, but last night I suddenly realised that there's actually a short piece I wrote in my first year of uni which I really liked, and have never shared with you. So since I owe you more than one story, I thought I'd share this now, and then maybe later on or tomorrow, post the next part of Seasons, just because I cannot wait to post this story! 

        I think for this piece, we were told to write the same story from two people's perspectives, so I thought it might be interesting to do both sides of the story as a sort of running commentary. Bare in mind that this flicks back and forth a lot, but it's clearly signposted when it does chop and change, so there shouldn't be too much confusion!

 

A Cyanide and Happiness comic, found on http://schlap.webs.com/apps/photos/photo?photoid=74895794

        I like words that sound like the noises they’re describing; like tap, bang, swoosh, crash. I only mention this because the front window of the bank opposite me just threw itself across the pavement and into the road as two men jumped through it. They ran in opposite directions first, then one yelled something at the other, which sounded like “Not that way! You pillock” but I could be mistaken; I was eating a sandwich at the time. It was the fatter of the two who ran the wrong way, it was so cliché. I felt like I’d fallen through a TV screen into some stereotypical ‘cops and robbers’ comedy, I really expected an overweight cop to run around the corner, coffee in one hand, doughnut in the other, chasing behind the criminals with no chance of catching them. But I’m getting ahead of myself.                                                                                                                      

        ‘Sorry, boss!’ he shouted to me, I wouldn’t mind, but this was a bigger job than usual, and I’d told him a million times not to screw it up. To be honest with you, I feel sorry for him, he’s had a crappy life so far, and this is about the only thing that makes him smile. I’m not saying what we do is right, but if he feels like he’s got friends through it, then let us. He joined me, and we ran towards where the car was supposed to be. Unfortunately, however, it was not there.                                                                                                                                                   

      I can’t say I wasn’t confused by what I was seeing; I’d witnessed two men jump through a bank window, whom I presumed to be professional crooks, however they seemed to be perplexed by what I later understood to be the absence of a get-away car. Though, at the time, they seemed to be pondering the way that streets just stretch out into oblivion, where their ends seep into fog, or hills, or perhaps they never end and lead to the edge of time. I mean, how often do we actually walk to the end of a street?                                                                                                                                                A moment later, a car screeched around the corner at the other end of the street, in the direction which the fatter man had initially gone, they looked at each other, shocked; the smaller of the two looking somewhat reproachful. They reminded me of Horace and Jasper from 101 Dalmatians. I could see a man in the front seat, accompanied by two scantily clad women, one in the front, one falling about in the back after apparently omitting to don a seat belt.                                                                                                                                                                   

       I couldn’t believe the cheek of the guy: saying he’d pick us up from the other corner, then showing up late with two birds in the car. If either of them touched the bags, they’d get it. And so would he. Pink Floyd was playing through the car - an odd move for him, he always said they were ‘too weird, they’re like, trippy.’ Which is pretty rich, coming from a stoner like Chuck

       One thing which did strike me, as I was standing there, still eating my sandwich, taking the occasional sip of Fanta, was that they didn’t have any bags, which one would expect to see accompanying a pair of robbers. I finished my drink and tossed it into the bin to my left. Did you know Fanta was created in Germany during the war to drink instead of Coca Cola? Yeah - really similar substitute.

‘Oh SHIT!’ turn round, turn round, TURN AROUND!’

‘What? Why?’

‘Just turn round! We forgot the bloody bags!’

‘Oh for fu-‘

‘Shut the hell up, Chuck! Just move!’ 

       Just then, the car screeched like foxes fornicating and turned on itself so quickly I was sure it would topple. Evidently, the people on the other side of the street did too; one woman used her handbag and a shield – like that would do anything, and a man literally dived into a shop, startling staff and customers alike. I was close enough to see the expressions of everyone in the car, except the woman sitting in the back who had fallen between the seats when the car turned due to a lack of seatbelt. They all looked as if their lives were flashing before them, as it is often said to in various books, television shows or films. One of the men looked straight at me, and looked as though he wanted to punch me for ever having observed them. The kid driving couldn’t have been much older than sixteen, and looked dopey as hell.

      I looked out of the window, not actually knowing whether I was still looking into the street we’d just been on, or if I could somehow see into heaven now. Although, I have to admit, the outside of a Subway store wasn’t exactly my idea of what heaven should have been. I saw a man on the side of the street watching the car. He was in a shabby grey coat which reached down just below his knees. For how scruffy his coat and hair were, his suit and shoes were surprisingly nice; navy blue pinstripe. I don’t know why I took all of this in, but I’m guessing he could describe me in just as much detail.

        People were starting to pull out mobile phones and I could hear sirens in the distance. I knew what these men looked like, I could easily describe then and pick them out in a line-up. I made split-second decision which involved not wanting to be a witness - based of course on the fact that these guys were too stupid to not be caught - and made my way back into Subway to add some cookies to my already excessive order.

http://www.heilandheil.com/blog/dont_get_robbed_twice.aspx

              Let me just say - the formatting on this was horrendous and took far longer than it should have. Anyway, what did you think of this piece? I noticed that my writing style has changed quite a bit, which goes to show how much I've actually learnt over the last couple of years, which is good. I'll be back later on with the next part of Seasons - I've a pretty clear idea where that's going, which is unusual for me!  

Despicable Me 2 - Review

      Well hello, haven't I been great at this lately? So I said a couple of weeks ago that I had writer's block, plus a distinct lack of motivation to actually force myself to write anything at all. That really peaked last week, so I decided to just give myself some space by not blogging last week. (The Friday before I just straight up forgot to post and was busy the whole weekend.) Anyway, I went to see Despicable Me 2 on Friday, it was very spontaneous and probably made more fun because I was with two of my best friends, who are pretty much as mentally juvenile as me.

http://www.filmofilia.com/despicable-me-2-promo-clip-150630/

       As with The World's End and Monster's University, I included a trailer for Despicable Me 2 here, but I will include another one, being as there are so many and they're all really cute.

      Despicable Me 2 was released in the UK on the 28th of June this year, and opens with a top secret Arctic research base being stolen by a giant magnet. Cut to: Gru's mansion hosting a birthday party for Agnes - probably the cutest kid in any film ever. There is fancy dress, there are minions, there is a costume change which tugs at the hearts strings. There are evil minions, there are cupcakes, there is a Cinco de Mayo party complete with a tortilla hat with guacamole in the rim. 

      The film stars Steve Carell and Russell Brand, as did the prequel, with the addition of Kristen Wiig as Lucy and Benjamin Bratt as the mysterious 'Eduardo'.

       The film is colourful, vibrant, has a very different and engaging storyline and some new characters which compliment the familiar characters perfectly. The minions are just as adorable and get up to even more shenanigans. This clip isn't included, but if you haven't seen it, you need to - and if you have, well you should just watch it again:

           

                                

        Ahem. So, I read on a few social media sites etc. that some people felt like a sequel wasn't needed, or they should have just made a film with the minions (which apparently they are considering, but I didn't actually read that anywhere credible so they might not be at all) but in relation to a sequel not being necessary - it did have some good character development, and personally, I found that it was a nice extension to the narrative in the first film. As to the film only being of the minions - who wouldn't miss the sarcastic quips from Gru, and perhaps, even more than that, just how cute Agnes is? Every character in that film contributes and a second film was a smart move. I think a third film of all of them might feel a bit contrived, so perhaps in that instance, maybe the best scenario would just be a minion film. Honestly though, I can only the minions being in shorts, rather than a feature film. (I wouldn't mind being wring at all though)

        Anyway; I don't really have any negative points about this film, in fact one of the big positive things about this film is that the villain isn't as teeth grindingly irritating as Vector. I don't know if I enjoyed it the whole pandas, but that was definitely affected by the stupid woman just in front of me who was texting on her iPhone the whole time. I'm excited for this film to come out on DVD so I can watch it again. For now, I think I want to give this four stars, but perhaps when I watch it again I'll add an editor's note or something to say that actually, without someone sending pointless, distracting texts and looking up directions, the film is worth more.

Oops, added half a panda.

           So, once again - I'm sorry for being away for three posts, I'll be back on Friday to tell stories. Thanks for sticking around (or for dropping in on the off-chance I'd pulled my finger out) and thanks, as ever, for reading.

                                               Laura - xoxoxoxox